Lessons Learned.....

Gottman’s book had a lot of really good information. The one thing that stood out the most to me is how important it is to communicate. There are many different ways to communicate, for example, body language, eyes, tones of your voice and how you say the words.

I am very guilty of having bad communication, especially if the conversation is not going the way I want it to. While reading Gottman’s book I was able to see how my communications style affects my different relationships with my family, friends and coworkers.

While talking with others that I or you do not agree with it is very important to listen to what the person is saying and not trying to think about what you are going to say next. I am not sure if this is human nature or not. I find myself doing this a lot. It is a very bad habit that is going to take a long time to try to break.

Another one that I am very guilt of is giving the cold shoulder when I am mad. I have learned that this does not help with anything. It only makes me mad and doesn’t help resolve the issue at hand.

Gottman’s has a lot of great information for not just couples but for anyone to learn from. If you can apply one of his ideas into your life, your relationships will be stronger and better off in the long run.

Managing Conflict Consecrating Ourselves

Managing conflict in a marriage or any relationship is an essential talent to learn. This last Sunday I woke up mad at the world. There wasn’t anything anyone had done or said. Have you ever had that kind of day?

In a relationship that is a recipe for danger. Lynn Robbins stated, “A cunning part of (Satan’s) strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control” (General Conference April 1998). I had to laugh when I read that statement because if I had a nickel for every time one of my kids has told me “ it is not my fault I cannot control when I get mad.” I would have loved to use that excuse Sunday. However, the truth is we can control when we get upset and when we do not. We choose. When you are at church, and a leader makes you mad, do you yell at them or do you control your temper until later?

Elder Robbins went on to say “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.”  If you do get, angry Dr. Gottman gives seven step to help soothe the anger.

1. Complain but don’t blame
2. Make “I” statements instead of “you.”
3. Describe what is happening. Don’t evalvate or judge
4. Be clear about your positive need
5. Be polite
6. Be appreciative
7. Don’t store things up.

If you are anything like me when I am mad, it is NEVER my fault. My poor husband hears everything he has ever done wrong. All that ever does is make for a miserable home for a bit.

Getting upset is ok. How one handle being upset is the key. Again Dr. Gottman has some steps to handle conflict.

1. Soften your- startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they do not linger.

The next thing to remember is Forgiveness. Elder James E. Faust stated: If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being (General Conference April 2007). Going back to Sunday when I took a time out and tried to figure out what I was so upset about. It came down to I was upset because of the pain someone had caused. I thought I had forgiven them. However, I had not. I needed to go before my Savior and ask him to help soften my heart and see them as he sees them. As I turn to my Savior for help with forgiveness peace enters my heart and my home and marriage.

Pride....

Pride is one of those things that I feel that a person walks a fine line on. A person needs to take pride in work, school and even their family. However, we should not be boastful.

When you interview for a job you should be boastful even though we are taught not to be. However, in society more and more people are becoming very prideful with themselves.

I really liked how President Ezra Taft Benson states in his talk “Beware of Pride:” “Pride is a very misunderstood sin… most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing…. The central feature of pride is enmity….Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or state of opposition.’”

In our relationships we need to make sure that we do not hold enmity or being prideful towards others. I know this is super hard. I have a brother in law who has not treated my sister or his children very well. I hold a lot of hate towards him. Which is not good. I have to check myself and ask who I am to judge another.

Within this last year I have tried to make it a goal to not be prideful towards other. I found myself judging others for silly mistakes that I have done myself. Would I admit it to them no? However, I found that I was not a happy person and that was bugging me.

I am so thankful for this change of heart. I have seen how it has imporved my relationships with my family and others. I have found myself thinking how can I help that person overcome what they are doing that might be bugging me or finding out why they are doing what they are doing that is bugging me.

Love One Another.

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Being in any kind of relationship is hard work. Relationships take time and effort on everyone in the relationship. TV and the movies make relationships look like they do not take any effort at all to keep them together.

I have had many different kinds of relationships in my life. The first kind is the relationship that I put all the effort into. The next kind is that I did not put any kind of effort into the relationship at all, I call this my check out mode. The last kind is where it is a partnership that I worked just as hard as my partner in crime.

Out of the three kind of relationships the best kind was the last one, where we are both working together to keep our relationship going. The Prophets and General Authorities have asked us to continue to date one another to fall in love with one another again and again.

One thing I have notice, maybe it comes with age, is that I would rather spend time making memories and not spending tons of money on a gift. One year with my partner’s birthday. I was able to get different pictures of him throughout his life. I picked out the same amount of pictures for his age and hung them from a balloons in his house. When he came home he was shocked and loved them. He still talks about that birthday gift.

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My partner is not a romantic kind of person at all, which is a real struggle for me. However, when he goes out of his way to make sure that I am happy it means the world to me. For example knowing that my oil in my car needs to be changed. He will come by my work and pick my car up to take it in. This is big for me since I am always on the go and don’t have time for something like this.

I know that most of this stuff might seem small and simple to some. But to me it is big.

Finding Love

FONDNESS

Elder Joe J. Christensen stated “Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.” When one or both of the people involved starts finding faults in the other person this opens the doorway for contempt to start sneaking in. The memory of the happier times become clouded and hard to see. The harder it is to see the easier it is to find fault in small things. An example my husband can not put his dirty cloths in the hamper. He may put them right outside of the hamper but never in. He has been doing this for more than thirty years. When I am overly stressed or in a bad mood I will get mad about him not putting the clothes where they belong. As soon as I complain about it all the sudden I can find a hundred other things to complain about which I feel he is not doing right. Now for more than thirty years I have been picking up after him yet, it is only when I am pinpricking does it bug me.

Cherish

John Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” has games he has couples play to help them remember the times when couples felt closer to each other. One of these games is called Learning to Cherish Your Partner. In the game he has each partner pick ten qualities from a given list. For each quality the partners note one recent occasion when their partner displayed it. Then they say to themselves ‘I am really lucky to be with my partner.” Than when they are alone they reread the list bringing on fond memories of their partner. Gottman says this will help replace the negative thoughts and bring back happy memories and rekindle love lost.

Henry B Erying stated “Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along towards becoming like him. Our perfect example. / Day by day, hour by hour our lives should be filled with love for others.”  As we serve our partners our love for them will increase. We will become the “Love Machine” we once were.