Lessons Learned.....

Gottman’s book had a lot of really good information. The one thing that stood out the most to me is how important it is to communicate. There are many different ways to communicate, for example, body language, eyes, tones of your voice and how you say the words.

I am very guilty of having bad communication, especially if the conversation is not going the way I want it to. While reading Gottman’s book I was able to see how my communications style affects my different relationships with my family, friends and coworkers.

While talking with others that I or you do not agree with it is very important to listen to what the person is saying and not trying to think about what you are going to say next. I am not sure if this is human nature or not. I find myself doing this a lot. It is a very bad habit that is going to take a long time to try to break.

Another one that I am very guilt of is giving the cold shoulder when I am mad. I have learned that this does not help with anything. It only makes me mad and doesn’t help resolve the issue at hand.

Gottman’s has a lot of great information for not just couples but for anyone to learn from. If you can apply one of his ideas into your life, your relationships will be stronger and better off in the long run.

Managing Conflict Consecrating Ourselves

Managing conflict in a marriage or any relationship is an essential talent to learn. This last Sunday I woke up mad at the world. There wasn’t anything anyone had done or said. Have you ever had that kind of day?

In a relationship that is a recipe for danger. Lynn Robbins stated, “A cunning part of (Satan’s) strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control” (General Conference April 1998). I had to laugh when I read that statement because if I had a nickel for every time one of my kids has told me “ it is not my fault I cannot control when I get mad.” I would have loved to use that excuse Sunday. However, the truth is we can control when we get upset and when we do not. We choose. When you are at church, and a leader makes you mad, do you yell at them or do you control your temper until later?

Elder Robbins went on to say “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.”  If you do get, angry Dr. Gottman gives seven step to help soothe the anger.

1. Complain but don’t blame
2. Make “I” statements instead of “you.”
3. Describe what is happening. Don’t evalvate or judge
4. Be clear about your positive need
5. Be polite
6. Be appreciative
7. Don’t store things up.

If you are anything like me when I am mad, it is NEVER my fault. My poor husband hears everything he has ever done wrong. All that ever does is make for a miserable home for a bit.

Getting upset is ok. How one handle being upset is the key. Again Dr. Gottman has some steps to handle conflict.

1. Soften your- startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they do not linger.

The next thing to remember is Forgiveness. Elder James E. Faust stated: If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being (General Conference April 2007). Going back to Sunday when I took a time out and tried to figure out what I was so upset about. It came down to I was upset because of the pain someone had caused. I thought I had forgiven them. However, I had not. I needed to go before my Savior and ask him to help soften my heart and see them as he sees them. As I turn to my Savior for help with forgiveness peace enters my heart and my home and marriage.

Pride....

Pride is one of those things that I feel that a person walks a fine line on. A person needs to take pride in work, school and even their family. However, we should not be boastful.

When you interview for a job you should be boastful even though we are taught not to be. However, in society more and more people are becoming very prideful with themselves.

I really liked how President Ezra Taft Benson states in his talk “Beware of Pride:” “Pride is a very misunderstood sin… most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing…. The central feature of pride is enmity….Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or state of opposition.’”

In our relationships we need to make sure that we do not hold enmity or being prideful towards others. I know this is super hard. I have a brother in law who has not treated my sister or his children very well. I hold a lot of hate towards him. Which is not good. I have to check myself and ask who I am to judge another.

Within this last year I have tried to make it a goal to not be prideful towards other. I found myself judging others for silly mistakes that I have done myself. Would I admit it to them no? However, I found that I was not a happy person and that was bugging me.

I am so thankful for this change of heart. I have seen how it has imporved my relationships with my family and others. I have found myself thinking how can I help that person overcome what they are doing that might be bugging me or finding out why they are doing what they are doing that is bugging me.

Love One Another.

• 

Being in any kind of relationship is hard work. Relationships take time and effort on everyone in the relationship. TV and the movies make relationships look like they do not take any effort at all to keep them together.

I have had many different kinds of relationships in my life. The first kind is the relationship that I put all the effort into. The next kind is that I did not put any kind of effort into the relationship at all, I call this my check out mode. The last kind is where it is a partnership that I worked just as hard as my partner in crime.

Out of the three kind of relationships the best kind was the last one, where we are both working together to keep our relationship going. The Prophets and General Authorities have asked us to continue to date one another to fall in love with one another again and again.

One thing I have notice, maybe it comes with age, is that I would rather spend time making memories and not spending tons of money on a gift. One year with my partner’s birthday. I was able to get different pictures of him throughout his life. I picked out the same amount of pictures for his age and hung them from a balloons in his house. When he came home he was shocked and loved them. He still talks about that birthday gift.

• 

My partner is not a romantic kind of person at all, which is a real struggle for me. However, when he goes out of his way to make sure that I am happy it means the world to me. For example knowing that my oil in my car needs to be changed. He will come by my work and pick my car up to take it in. This is big for me since I am always on the go and don’t have time for something like this.

I know that most of this stuff might seem small and simple to some. But to me it is big.

Finding Love

FONDNESS

Elder Joe J. Christensen stated “Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.” When one or both of the people involved starts finding faults in the other person this opens the doorway for contempt to start sneaking in. The memory of the happier times become clouded and hard to see. The harder it is to see the easier it is to find fault in small things. An example my husband can not put his dirty cloths in the hamper. He may put them right outside of the hamper but never in. He has been doing this for more than thirty years. When I am overly stressed or in a bad mood I will get mad about him not putting the clothes where they belong. As soon as I complain about it all the sudden I can find a hundred other things to complain about which I feel he is not doing right. Now for more than thirty years I have been picking up after him yet, it is only when I am pinpricking does it bug me.

Cherish

John Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” has games he has couples play to help them remember the times when couples felt closer to each other. One of these games is called Learning to Cherish Your Partner. In the game he has each partner pick ten qualities from a given list. For each quality the partners note one recent occasion when their partner displayed it. Then they say to themselves ‘I am really lucky to be with my partner.” Than when they are alone they reread the list bringing on fond memories of their partner. Gottman says this will help replace the negative thoughts and bring back happy memories and rekindle love lost.

Henry B Erying stated “Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along towards becoming like him. Our perfect example. / Day by day, hour by hour our lives should be filled with love for others.”  As we serve our partners our love for them will increase. We will become the “Love Machine” we once were.

When you are in love

There is a couple of who I have known about 8 years. This couple have been married for over 50 years. Just being with someone for 50 years says something in itself, don’t you think so? The wife is a spunky lady. She is the type that tells you how she is feels. Her husband is a sweet man that just goes with the flow of things.

Whenever, you talk to them talk about their marriage it is always loving. When they look at each other you can feel and see their love for each other. However, they are very quick to say it takes a lot of work. They still are working on things because of the different stage in life that they are in.

The wife says that she had to learn how to love and communicate. She came from an abusive family. Her dad beat her every day up until a week before she got married. The only reason for the week was because it gave time for the bruises to heal.

Her husband showed her how to communicate without yelling or hitting any one. However, she said that he was the only one that would be able to show her this.

Now the husband says it is a lot of give and take. Along with being willing to say I am sorry. He also say that you need to learn one another’s strengths and weaknesses, you need to let the strengths shine and not focus so much on the weaknesses. One of his wife’s weaknesses is that she liked to spend money, however, she did not liked being questioned what she was buying. They came upon an agreement that she would be giving spending money that she could spend however, she wanted. She didn’t have to answer to anyone about what she spent the money. Granted at first the money was only like $5.00, she said it was hers.

When I was listening to Elder Wirthlin’s talking in October 2007 General Conference, Elder Wirthlin talks about a gentleman painting his wife’s nails until she passed away.  The couple talked about above popped into my head.  Right now the husband’s health is not doing that great. The wife says it is her turn to take care of him. However, she still pushes him to be the man he has always been.

The couple that Elder Wirthlin and my friends that I talked about are great example of what we should do when we are married. Marriage is hard work, however, it is worth it when you are with the right person to fight your battles with.

Why Temples Are Important To Me

Temples are a place where families are sealed together for all time and eternity. This means that they will still be a family unit not only on this earth but also in the afterlife. This might not matter to some but it does to me. I love my family and want to be with them forever.

Church leaders have promised church members the some of the following blessings if they attend the temple:

“You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hears to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears. You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before. Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you. You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord promised.” (Benson)

I have not regular attendant the temple. However, the blessing that we can receive are just so powerful. Imagine loving your family more than you already do. When I was young my dad would travel to Seattle to go and work in the temple. In my teen years my mom worked in the Portland temple. I have to admit life wasn’t perfect but the bonds of family love were there. I knew how important the temple was to my parents. While in my teen years. My friends and I would hang out at the Portland temple on Sunday nights.  That was the place to be.

      

It is very important to start teaching our children while they are young about the importance of temples. President Ezra Taft Benson tells of his mom ironing her temple clothes and talking about the importance of the temple to him, in his talk “What I Hope Would Teach Your Children about theTemple.”

I have not had the opportunity to be married in the temple. However, I do talk about it with my son. We talk about when it is time for him to get married he needs to go to the temple. I know that I am not entailed to all the blessing of the temple because I have not been sealed. However, I know that it is important to be worthy and to want that temple marriage.

Cheri Call has a song called “I Will Never Leave Him.” I know that Heavenly Father knows what I want in my heart. As long as I am worthy he will be there to fill in the gaps where I cannot.   

There is a Savior, this truth I humbly know
He gave His life so that I might be allowed
Back to His arms on the day He calls me home
And I know that I will never leave Him now

I've been in danger, I've walked a sinner's way
I've felt the weight when my weary head would bow
Then Jesus came and erased my every debt
And I know that I will never leave Him now

He paid the highest price for me
And still He tells me I am free
But where would I ever wish to go
How could I leave the everlasting love He's shown

So as I live in this wild and wondrous world
There is no force that will ever pull me down
My love for Jesus will always be my guide
And I know that I will never leave Him now
And I know that I will never leave Him now