Managing Conflict Consecrating Ourselves

Managing conflict in a marriage or any relationship is an essential talent to learn. This last Sunday I woke up mad at the world. There wasn’t anything anyone had done or said. Have you ever had that kind of day?

In a relationship that is a recipe for danger. Lynn Robbins stated, “A cunning part of (Satan’s) strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control” (General Conference April 1998). I had to laugh when I read that statement because if I had a nickel for every time one of my kids has told me “ it is not my fault I cannot control when I get mad.” I would have loved to use that excuse Sunday. However, the truth is we can control when we get upset and when we do not. We choose. When you are at church, and a leader makes you mad, do you yell at them or do you control your temper until later?

Elder Robbins went on to say “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.”  If you do get, angry Dr. Gottman gives seven step to help soothe the anger.

1. Complain but don’t blame
2. Make “I” statements instead of “you.”
3. Describe what is happening. Don’t evalvate or judge
4. Be clear about your positive need
5. Be polite
6. Be appreciative
7. Don’t store things up.

If you are anything like me when I am mad, it is NEVER my fault. My poor husband hears everything he has ever done wrong. All that ever does is make for a miserable home for a bit.

Getting upset is ok. How one handle being upset is the key. Again Dr. Gottman has some steps to handle conflict.

1. Soften your- startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they do not linger.

The next thing to remember is Forgiveness. Elder James E. Faust stated: If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being (General Conference April 2007). Going back to Sunday when I took a time out and tried to figure out what I was so upset about. It came down to I was upset because of the pain someone had caused. I thought I had forgiven them. However, I had not. I needed to go before my Savior and ask him to help soften my heart and see them as he sees them. As I turn to my Savior for help with forgiveness peace enters my heart and my home and marriage.